Thursday, February 21, 2013

Why oh Why HG??

So here it is a little over a year later since my blog on sick of being tired and tired of being sick.  I forgot all about the blog that I did so long ago.....Uuugghhh where to start with this one?  So since the last blog in 2011, I have gotten pregnant 1 more time since then.  It took a lot of thinking and talking with the husband and trying to get him on board with the idea of trying again.  Let me tell you, since I have been diagnosed with HG and have already been thru so many problems, its very hard for my husband to agree on trying anymore.  Not because he doesnt want any more children but because he knows what I have to go through, and what my children go through when I get pregnant.  If only I could work and have a normal pregnancy just once.  So back to the last pregnancy, it started out pretty good (like usual) I felt pretty good up until about 6 weeks along, I had advised the doctor that I didnt want to take any medicine until I couldnt handle it anymore.  Maybe this was my mistake, I just felt like with all the other pregnancies the meds was not working so why keep taking them?  I wake up craving Chick-fil-a on morning, so after my daughters soccer game, we go straight there.  I eat only a chicken sandwich and french fries, we are sitting in the restaurant and my husbands friend comes over and starts talking, all of a comes the vomiting....uuggghhh not again. I manage to make it to the restroot and come back looking very green ( really not a good look) and excuse myself and drive home, where yet again the vomiting continues.  I dont know about anyone else but why does it seem with HG once you start vomiting its like it doesnt stop, no matter what you do.  I call the doctor the next Monday morning but by then I had already vomited so much my back hurt, my throat hurt, and I could barely sit up by myself, ( I started on Saturday with the vomiting) once again the depression sinks in and my thoughts overwhelm me.  Why did I do this to myself again? I am telling my kids I just have the flu, but I know in my heart they know whats wrong with me, they have been through this before and I consider them pros at knowing when mommys pregnant. ( thats not a good thing) I have to call my job again, which Thank God I am so blessed to have a company that is willing to work with me through all my pregnancy issues. I start Zofran again, and the sea bands ( why is the first thing doctors want to try Zofran?) I already know its not going to work, so at about 8 weeks, I cant take it anymore--I give up---please dont judge me---its very hard!!!  I go to an abortion clinic where they do an ultrasound and I find out that I would have ended up miscarrying anyway, so I had a D&C.  Why in the world do I have to be put through all the sickness only yet again to have miscarried?  Only this time, I had the D&C in May and I still to this day 2/21/2013 have not had a cycle.  Is this HG causing my body to go crazy?  I have to go to the doctor and get it checked out, but call me crazy in my mind, without my period I kinda feel "safe" I think that without a period I dont need birth control and I cant get pregnant.  Its so hard because on one side I want to get pregnant again NOW, and then on the other hand I am terrified of HG and what it does to me.  Is this a bad thing?  Why do I let HG control my life?

HG has made it so hard for me to bring a child into the world, a baby that I can have with my husband.  Everyday you think and think about trying again, and the thought of vomiting continuously and not being able to take care of the children and work full time, is very depressing and hard.  I want so bad to have another child but HG takes away all your hopes and dreams when it comes to completing your family.  For anyone in my shoes, I have the hardest time seeing pregnant women walking around the stores and in my family who have no issues at all, and you only wish that that could be you.  I would give so much for them to find a cure for HG, because HG is not just a sickness, it takes over your life, from the start of pregnancy thru the rest of your life.  I think everyday about trying to concieve again and I am so scared that if I bring it up to my husband he will say no because I cant prove to him that this time will be better.  I honestly cant afford to quit my job and stay home especially if we want to keep up the lifestyle that we have. So yet again HG has struck my family, my heart, my mind, and my soul. 

We ended the year 2012 with a marriage and  this year 2013, I am determined to do as much research and get as much help as I can with HG.  I am 32, and I want so bad to try again.  So wish me luck, and I will be blogging about my research and my life as HG continues to be my only battle in 2013.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Why me?

Here we go......

This is my first shot at blogging, so hopefully someone out there can read my story and help me get through my next pregnancy, Im still praying on a miracle.

Lets start from the beginning, I have a 9 year old healthy baby girl, but the 9 months of carrying her was pure torture.  I stayed constantly sick and in the hospital every week. I just thought it was part of being pregnant and had NO clue that it would happen every time I got pregnant.  My second pregnancy was the same, throwing up and visiting the hospital every week getting rehydrated, with this pregnancy I was in the hospital for 2 weeks before having my son because I could not keep anything down.  I was very weak and just looked horrible. With those 2 pregnancys I was not offered any type of medication due to the doctors not really knowing about Hyperemesis, and I never got diagnosed with it.  I was able to take Unisom and I believe it helped me get thru the day but just barely.  I thought I was never going to go through this again, and at that time, I didnt want anymore children, it was just to hard on my body and my family.  So some years later, I meet this really great guy who is now my fiance.  We get pregnant and within the first 6 weeks, I get very sick....Im talking about 1 minute I am fine, and the next minute throwing up so much I could barely catch my breath.  uuugggghhh not again I am thinking.  I try my hardest for a few more weeks, and it just became unbearable, I could not even take care of the 2 children that depended on me.  God, what do you do in this case?  Please dont judge me but the only thought that came in to my mind at that time was to get an abortion.  I mean this hyperemesis is no joke, I started to think that it was just my body basically trying to get rid of an intruder thats why I stayed so sick.  So I had to do it, I had to get an abortion :(  I waited a few years, and we tried again, I had recently moved to Manassas and I figured that they must have some doctors that can help me get through this torture.  Within weeks of taken out the Myrena (birth control) I got pregnant.  The first 4 weeks, were great! No sickness whatsoever...then it started I woke up one morning, and thats all she wrote.  I went to a new doctor this time, and I just knew they were going to know about this and they would give me some medicince and I would be great.  I would finally be one of those pregnant women who walk around all day eating what they want and being able to walk around and be happy about their pregnancy.  Thats all I wanted....Well, after being put on Reglan and Zofran nothing seemed to work, I was advised once again to take Unisom along with the other prescriptions and I should be fine.  NOPE not at all not me, I am not your normal pregnant women.  At 7 weeks the doctor finally called in Alere ( homecare nursing) I was giving an I.V at home and put on a zofran pump.  Nope still didnt work, I was still throwing up and had no energy to even take a bath on my own.  (Thank GOD for my hubby) I called Alere every day asking to up the dosage on my Zofran, and everytime they upped the dosage I swear it made me sicker. At about 10 weeks, I was so depressed and so upset that I once again could not take care of my household, I went into the doctor and pleaded that he give me something else, something that could just take it all away. I was throwing up so much that I lost my voice because my throat was so sore from the acid.  I would get sick from having spit in my mouth. uuuggghh who does that?  Only me I guess.....  My option that was giving to me once again by the doctors was stick it out or terminate.  Well, I hate to say it but once again I had to terminate because I just could not handle it anymore, I felt as if nobody was on my side, and nobody understood what I was going thru.  At one point I had people telling me maybe it was just in my mind....really??  Like I wanted to get sick and throw up all day long. 

So yet again, I wait and I get pregnant again in April 2011..This time it was going to be different for me, I wasnt going to give up, I really wanted this pregnancy I was not going to let hypermesis ruin my life anymore.  I start out taking vitamin B and unisom right from the beginning, I start seeing a BRAND new doctor....which might I add is the best....the Dr. was hip to hyperemesis and she started me out right away with Zofran pills, (though it still didnt work, it felt great to have someone know what you are going thru and make you feel like you can get thru it.) At 6 weeks just like clock work I started getting sick, I finally got to the point where I started eating things that I knew would taste good coming up.  Gross huh?  I kept a positive attitude and even started going to work a few hours during the day, though I could not talk to customers I could sit in the back and work on the computer.  (with my head laying back on the chair :) ) There were a few days worse than others where I would just lay in the bed, but I was going to get thru it no matter what.  I remember we purchased a new bedroom suit and it smelled of cedar....OMG that was the worst smell every! Every time I came in my room, I would throw up due to the smell.  I slept with my children and of course they loved it, but NOT my HUBBY lol.  At 8 weeks I went in to make sure I didnt have twins and we seen the babys heartbeat it was the greatest moment especially after being sick so much, to actually go in there and see this was priceless.  A few weeks later at 11 weeks we went out to eat for my hubbys moms birthday and I actually was telling everyone that I was feeling a lot better, that night I started having really sharp pains and just thought it was just another part of pregnancy, at 12 weeks I go in to hear the babys hearbeat and no heartbeat......can you imagine going thru all this sickness and for go in and not hear your babys hearbeat.  I finally decided to try and conquer hyperemesis and this is what happens..... so now my journey begins again with Hyperemesis.... I have to try 1 more time....does anyone out there have any new suggestions?  Its so depressing